July 30, 2011

I Hate Golfing

I hate golfing. As someone that was involved heavily in sports growing up, I have found golfing to be the most frustrating sport I have ever played. Here's why:

1. I wouldn't even call it a sport. A sport usually involves some sort of exchange between you and other individuals. In basketball, you rotate between offense and defense and you can foul the other person. In tennis, you hit the ball back and forth to each other. In soccer you kick the ball back and forth and try to score on the other team. But no, not in golf. Not even close. In golf, the game is against yourself. How fun is it to play a game against yourself? No fun I tell you! There's no excuse that the other player was better. If you lose, you are the only one to blame. That's not a sport. That's psychology. Anyone up for a round of psychology? Bring your clubs!

2. On that topic, who invented the golf club? They were clearly not in their right mind. Who would think of attaching a small wooden head or piece of metal at the bottom of a long metal stick that is then supposed to hit a very small ball hundreds of yards in a straight line? Why not make the head or metal piece 10 times the size? Then you'd never miss the ball when you swing and you would never embarrass yourself in front of your friends, family or co-workers, especially when said miss happens over, and over, and over, and over, and over. Have you ever experienced the pain in your hands when your club hits the ground at full swing? It hurts even worse when you miss the ball AND the ground. It hurts your back, your arms, your hips and your pride. Believe me, I know. I think golf courses should not only have food carts that tour around the course but medical carts as well, filled with ice bags, numbing lotion and band aids.

3. Who invented the size of the hole and put it so far away from the tee? How demented is it that you can't even see the hole when you hit your first ball? You have to trust the map they give you or those mobile apps that show you where the hole is. What kind of sport requires you to have a map? In basketball you can see the hoops from anywhere on the court. In tennis, the lines are visible from anywhere. In soccer and football, the goals are always within sight. How do you know for sure that the map they give you is accurate? What if some disgruntled employee gives out fake maps just to mess everyone up, not that it would make a difference where my shot would go anyway. And not that it would make a difference whether or not I would hit the side of that beautiful home next to the fairway. Sorry about that.

4. Speaking of fairways, who came up with that name? There's nothing fair about them. It's only fair if you hit the ball onto it. It's certainly NOT fair if you don't. How are you expected to find your ball when it misses the fairway? No wonder they call anything not in the fairway the "rough." I think it's called that to mock you, saying "Rough for you to be in here, hey buddy. Good luck finding your ball." They might as well call it the "Impossible" or the "Forget looking for it, you're not going to find it, get back in your cart." I think whoever invented the "rough" did it as a trick to steal your golf balls.

5. There is no such thing as "Par." I'd like to meet the person who invented this phrase. Who determines "Par" for a hole anyway? 99% of the world can't make a par 4. It takes all of us at least 10 shots. If you want a true "Par," average what it would take the entire world's population to get it in the hole and that is par. I say we abolish "Par" anyway. To me, if you can get the ball in all the holes before the course closes, you win.

All this being said, don't ask me why I agree to play once or twice a year when my work sponsors a local golf tournament. And don't ask me why I think that something will have changed and all of a sudden I'll be better than I was the last time I played. About a month ago I submitted myself for more torture and misery at the Talon's Cove Golf Course in Utah. Someone hit me on the head with a golf club next time I agree to play.